


A Change of Head

by Innwich



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Gen, Halloween Costumes, Happy halloween, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 20:24:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5062843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Innwich/pseuds/Innwich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Few things fazed a hardened mercenary like Spy; Halloween costumes didn’t use to be one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Change of Head

Halloween was a night for most men and women hid behind masks to get drunk and have hook ups that they’d regret in the morning.

For Spy, though, it was a night to shine.

“You dastardly scoundrel,” Spy purred at himself in the full-length mirror. The cape had a gold chain that draped across his collarbones. Spy forewent the plastic vampire teeth that came with the cape and put on the hood, which shrouded his face in darkness. His eyes glowed under the hood, which was one of the special features promised in Mann Co.’s Halloween catalogue. Spy straightened his tie and smoothed out the wrinkles in his cape. “The others never stand a chance.”

The clock on the wall chimed. Fifteen minutes left before the meeting, but it was always to arrive too early than too late. Besides, Spy had been itching to check out his teammates’ costume. He’d been preparing his costume for the last week, and there was no doubt he’d outdone himself.

Spy lit a cigarette and strode down to the locker room. His enemies would cower at his feet and his teammates would have to admit he had the best taste in clothing.

“Gentlemen,” Spy said, opening the door, and stopped short when he was confronted with the face of a gigantic eagle.

“You’re early!” Soldier said. Or at least Spy assumed it was Soldier. The bird thing was wearing Soldier’s uniform and talking in Soldier’s voice. “Take a seat, maggot!”

Faintly, Spy was aware that he was poked in the chest by a thick stubby finger, but his mouth was hanging open and he didn’t have the words to tell the bird thing to keep its hands to itself.

“He is in shock,” a large thing with the head of a robin to his right said. It was sitting on a bench, next to a half-owl that was goggling at the ceiling and a half-parrot that was wearing a eye-patch and drinking out of a beer bottle. “Doctor?”

“Do you want some smelling salt, Spy? I should have a jar here,” Medic’s voice drifted over from where he was rummaging in his locker. Spy couldn’t see his face, but he could make out that the back of his head was covered in horridly familiar white feathers. Medic turned around and, just as Spy suspected, was wearing the head of a dove. He even had a pair of spectacles perched on his beak. “Who stole it?”

“This is your fault,” Spy said accusingly. “I should have known.”

“Ja!” Medic beamed. “We’re all bird heads!”

“Feel like I could see for miles with these eyes,” Sniper said, blinking his big yellow owl eyes. He turned his head almost all the way to his back. Spy should probably express concerns about the audible crack in Sniper’s neck, but he was far more disturbed by the idea of a Sniper that could watch his own back.

“Likely a placebo effect,” Medic pointed out. “I only made some cosmetic changes. I didn’t have enough parts to switch out your eyes.”

Soldier perked up. “But I see better too!”

Demoman squinted hard behind his eye-patch. “I dunnae see any difference.”

“Are you calling me a liar, private?” Soldier yelled.

“Hm,” Medic said, rubbing his chin. “I could’ve sworn I didn’t order any eyeballs this year.”

“There is leftover in fridge,” Heavy said.

“Soldier isn’t wearing his helmet, you imbeciles,” Spy said. “Must I do everything in this team?”

The door to the locker room slammed open. A half-rabbit jogged into the room. Spy’s first thought was that Medic could’ve saved himself the trouble and stuffed the strip mall’s Easter Bunny into Scout’s clothes and everyone would be none the wiser. His second thought was that there was a joke too good to be passed up here.

“What’s up, doc?” Scout said.

Heavy sighed. He might have rolled his eyes but it was difficult to tell with his beady eyes.

“Scout, you may have made a decent joke for once,” Spy said. Good performance should always be acknowledged. It was how people trained their dogs to roll over and play dead.

Scout grinned, his buck teeth looking abnormally big in his narrow mouth. “My jokes are amazing, like the rest of me.”

“Now I know why you insisted on the rabbit head,” Medic said. “Come, Scout, let me check the stitching. You don’t want the head to fall off in the middle of a jump.”

“What the hell?” Scout said, but Medic caught him by the shoulder and peered at his neck.

“Very good,” Medic said. “No sign of infection.”

“Seriously, man. Isn’t this thing supposed to stay on my shoulders, like, no matter what?” Scout said.

“Doctor is joking,” Heavy said.

“I’m not asking you, am I?” Scout said. As soon as Medic let go of him, he jumped onto a bench and grabbed a can of Bonk from his locker. “You ain’t the one that went to doctor school.”

Heavy scowled at Scout. The feathers on his nape were puffed up, but it wasn’t very terrifying when he was wearing the face of one of the least intimidating birds imaginable. He just looked like a fat pissed-off robin that had its birdseeds taken from it.

“The procedure is a success,” Medic said gleefully. “Today, the head; tomorrow, the brain!”

“You’ll do nothing of the kind,” Spy said. At this point, it was clear that his costume would fade to the largely unmemorable obscurity of this year’s Halloween, but he could still imagine himself as a suave hooded figure that lurked in the shadows of the night. He would allow himself this moment of grandiose. He grabbed the end of his cape and it swished. “Or shall I say, ‘over my dead body’?”

“Ye know that thing is gonna get ye set on fire, aye?” Demoman said.

Spy stilled. The thought of the cape catching on fire hadn’t entered his mind. Not that he would admit it. He pulled up his cape and searched for a label along its seams.

“I see y’all dressed up for the night,” Engineer said from the door. If there was one man that Spy could trust to not go overboard with his costume, it would be Engineer.

Spy looked up, fully intending to greet the man, and screamed.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Engineer patted Spy on the back. Engineer sounded like he was smiling, but Spy was too busy staring in disgust as Engineer’s mouthpiece clicked with every word and his giant feelers twitched. Engineer had worn his giant fly mask for more than a few times over the years, and it never failed to make Spy’s skin crawl. “Though I can’t say it ain’t nice to startle you for a change.”

“Please, laborer, I was merely surprised by how revolting your costume is,” Spy said.

“That it is,” Engineer said good-naturedly. “A good theme you got going there, fellas.”

“Medic suggested it and he created it,” Soldier said. He pulled down the collar of his uniform. There was a row of black stitches on his neck where the feathers ended and human skin began. “It is great! I can’t even feel my tongue!”

Engineer whistled. “Now that’s what I call some damn fine handiwork, doc.”

Medic preened under the praise. “Danke, mein Freund. I’ve taken God’s designs and improved upon them. Soon, I’ll perfect an abomination that will surpass man and nature!”

“Just be careful with where you put your medical wastes, doc,” Engineer said. He wriggled his feelers. “Don’t want too many flies buzzing ‘round the base.”

Medic laughed. His high-pitched laughter was intermingled with some shrill coos.

“You sound like a bird! Ha!” Soldier let out an eagle cry, and widened his eyes at the sound he made. Then Demoman laughed in Soldier’s face with a stream of loud caws, which sent the two cackling at each other.

Sniper chuckled to himself, hooting softly at first, and then laughed harder when he heard himself. Heavy started laughing too for no reason other than because everyone was doing it. Before they knew it, there was a full-blown laughing match with five large birds crowing at the top of their lungs.

“Putain de bordel de merde,” Spy swore. “I’m in a zoo.”

Scout elbowed him in the ribs with a sharp jab, knocking his curses out of him. Spy knew he would be bruised tomorrow morning; the boy was a bag of bones. Spy rubbed his ribs and glared at Scout as Scout popped a stick of gum into his rabbit mouth. “You’re just mad ‘cause the doc didn’t give you the magic touch.”

Spy gritted his teeth. “I am not.”

“Did any of y’all see Pyro?” Engineer raised his voice amidst the ruckus.

“Mmm mmmph!”

And suddenly no one was laughing.

What walked through the doorway was not human. It could only be described as a mockery of nature and an affront to God. It didn’t have a head; all it had was a huge glob of green goo sitting on its neck. A brain and a pair of eyeballs were floating in the goo. The tip of a spinal cord peeked out from under the rubber suit, connected to the brain by the bobbling brain stem.

The thing wandered into the center of the locker room. Its eyeballs swiveled to regard each member of the team, as goo dripped down its collar.

Heavy broke the silence. “Doctor?”

“Ah. I didn’t do this,” Medic said.

“I think I’ll be sick.” Scout ran out of the room.

“Me too,” Sniper said. His eyes were the size of saucers. Spy would be laughing at him if Spy weren’t sucking down a cigarette to hide how hard his hands were shaking.

“That… looks nice, partner,” Engineer said. “Where did you get it?”

Pyro let out a long laugh despite the fact there was no mouth in the glob of green goo. The eyeballs bounced and a few air bubbles in the goo popped when Pyro wrapped Engineer in a hug. Pyro squashed the goo and the brain against one of Engineer’s bug eyes. Spy dropped his cigarette to take a deep breath that kept him from dry-retching.

“I just pissed and pooped myself,” Soldier declared. “I say Pyro has the best costume this year!”

“Cheers to that, mate!” Demoman said. “I’d give ye me crown if I still had it!”

Spy stormed out of the room. When he walked past the bathroom, he heard the unmistakable noises of vomiting. Spy pulled out his pocket calendar for next year and circled October with his red marker. He swore he would have the most terrifying costume on the team next year, even if he had to kill someone and wear their face for it.

**Author's Note:**

> Scream Fortress 2013 had some of the best Halloween cosmetics in the game. :)
> 
> For anyone that is interested, the cosmetics mentioned in this fic are:  
> -Spy: Foul Cowl, Ethereal Hood, Facepeeler  
> -Demoman: Mann-Bird of Aberdeen, Prince Tavish’s Crown  
> -Soldier: Freedom Feathers  
> -Sniper: Sir Shootsalot  
> -Heavy: Chicken Kiev  
> -Medic: Medimedes  
> -Scout: Horrific Head of Hare  
> -Engineer: Buzz Killer  
> -Pyro: Glob


End file.
